EVAN TURNER DRIVES AN ICE CREAM TRUCK COVERED IN HUMAN SKULLS

Posted by Vico in Hoops |

Evan Turner will eat a homeless person if you dare him.
Evan Turner will eat a homeless person if you dare him.
Evan Turner showers in grain alcohol and, today, he drowned Michigan in a pool of their own tears. After the Buckeyes lost a 10 point second half lead, Evan Turner terminated Michigan’s season with a game-winning 3 pointer, inbounded with only 2.2 seconds left in the game.

Evan Turner is a son of a bitch.

The first half was a punch-counterpunch tale. Michigan was strong on offense, getting key contributions in jumpshot form from Stu Douglass and Zack Novak while Deshawn Sims contributed with fadeaways from the baseline. Michigan jumped out to the early 9-point lead. Expressed in the parlance of a boxing match, Michigan got their best punch in early in the first half. Ohio State responded with repeated kicks to the jimmy. The Buckeyes closed out the first half 25-6, taking a 10 point lead into intermission.

This mostly held in the second half. Even when Michigan would nominally make the right decisions, or Ohio State would make bad ones, Michigan would get within four and Ohio State would respond back. This changed as Michigan got in the bonus. Empty possessions for Ohio State resulted in free throws for Michigan, who ultimately turned the course of the game. A double digit lead became only a four point deficit. Michigan made the right decision to ride Manny Harris the rest of the way, who ultimately hit what would have been the game winner with 2.2 seconds remaining.

But Evan Turner: Evan Turner is a son of a bitch.

Turner, relatively quiet on the scoreboard (but with 8 assists), took the inbound pass and let a long three pointer fly with a tenth of a second remaining. He sank it, winning the game and, hopefully, vanquishing Michigan from the public consciousness forever. The Buckeyes advance to the semifinals, facing the winner of today’s 4-5 game tomorrow (Wisconsin or Illinois).

For those who did not watch the game, you can relive it here in all its glory.

 

Written by: Vico | full bio

Vico is the nom de guerre of the founder and current website chair of Our Honor Defend. He is currently living in exile in Alabama.

 

6 Responses to “EVAN TURNER DRIVES AN ICE CREAM TRUCK COVERED IN HUMAN SKULLS”

  1. 1 MikeLew

    Evan Turner is a son of a bitch….a cold-hearted, ruthless son of a bitch. And that’s why we love him

  2. 2 Ron

    Oh yes! Just when michigan fans dared to hope, to believe again, to see light at the end of the tunnel, Evan Turner, The Villain, The Thief of Hearts, rips their jump-started beating hearts from their chests. He is one nasty SOB, that’s for sure.

    Delicious!

  3. 3 PALM BEACH BUCKEYE

    In some ways, this is more humiliating than a good Butt kicking…… just when they thought they pulled off the miracle–the rug is snatched right out from under them. This will make my weekend!!!!

  4. 4 Vico

    I’m off work for the weekend, but I weaseled out of a meeting to watch the game on justin.tv. Co-worker, and one of the few guys I talk to around here (and from Michigan) invited everyone around in to watch the final 2.2 seconds, thinking Ohio State lost it and that it would be cause to tell me Ohio State is overrated and John Wall should be player of the year. Then Turner hit that shot, and I think I told one of the guys to suck on that. That was probably the most immensely satisfying moment I had at work since I’ve been here.

  5. 5 Ken

    Ev-an Turner, clap clap, clap clap clap.

    I think I agree with PBB; a 30-point asskicking would have been a “Ha!” moment, but dangling out just the thread of hope to UM, only to send them into the Abyss of Suck is a soulful moment. Especially when done by a stone-cold, nasty sonofabitch.

  6. 6 Ryan C

    I was watching this at Champs, and everyone was shocked after scUM’s baskets with 2.2 seconds left, and then the place erupted after Turner hit “the shot”. tOSU is single-handedly sinking scUM’s athletic program.

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