Big Ten Coaches/Programs as WWF Wrestlers
This post follows in the latest line of (Insert Conference and its Members Here) as (Insert Other Cultural Entity Here). Among SEC fans, this has taken the form of comparing conference members to characters from The Simpsons. Not that long ago, OPS made the connection between Big Ten programs and cars or car-like products. And consistent with the mission statement of this blog, we thought we would take a hack at being the law of diminishing returns amongst good ideas.
Drawing upon our experiences as youths growing up and watching pro wrestling, we compare Big Ten coaches/programs to WWF wrestlers from our youth (basically: 1989 to 1996), with one sorta-exception (Penn State, because it was too good to pass up). We offer our reasons for the comparisons, visual evidence, and a prediction for the future following from the trajectory of the relevant pro wrestler’s career.
(Order is Alphabetical)
Pro Wrestler: The Narcissist Lex Luger
Why: There’s very little redeeming qualities of this program. Truly: very little. Prone to outrageous self-obsession as evidenced in its ridiculous poses, and is very much lacking in technical skill. All-around clumsy on the field (Juice Williams’ passing abilities), or in the ring (liable to hurt people). The only remotely interesting quality this program has is the bionic steel elbow known as J Leman, which it is no longer allowed to use.
Prediction: Having since bodyslammed the Yokozuna of the conference (Ohio State, I guess), expect the Zooker to go through a phase claiming himself as an American hero. J Leman already fits the bill as an American hero, complete with Stars and Stripes tie. Yet, notwithstanding the streamers and the Sousa marches, don’t expect this program to win a title anytime soon.
University of Indiana
Pro Wrestler: 1-2-3 Kid
Why: Definitely the feel-good story among its peers. It’s young, scrappy, and has everyone’s best sentiments to do well. Longetivity, though, definitely in question. Notwithstanding its scrappiness, is easily outweighed and outmatched by most of the teams it plays, so how often can it continue using it moxie to punk people for the 1-2-3 victory? We shall see.
Prediction: Could sell out for big bucks somewhere down the road, if there was a CFB equivalent of the Million Dollar Corporation. Probably will end up losing a Crybaby Match as the Big Ten forgets how exactly it can push the Hoosiers to top billing.
Pro Wrestler: Tito Santana
Why: Had some ridiculously good years at the mid-card level (being the Big Ten’s second representative in 2002, beating the defending national champs in the 2004 Capital One Bowl), where in that time it seemed to almost fly around its competition with its flying forearm smash or Ed Hinkel or Bob Sanders. However, recently it has gone through a variety of bad gimmicks afterwards, be it Strike Force or Drew Tate. Presently, it would be really hard to dissociate Iowa from a jobber.
Prediction: Has all the talent/coaching prowess but still could very well become a Matador since nothing else is working. Might also resign itself to teaching high school and running a nail salon.
University of Michigan
Pro Wrestler: Macho Man/King Randy Savage
Why: Definitely one of the top dogs among its competition, if not the top dog. Almost certainly a marquee attraction wherever it goes and has all the God-given talent at its disposal. But here’s the dirty secret: Struggles in big game scenarios. If not for blatant cheating from Hulk Hogan at WMIV, Macho Man would’ve gone on a colossal 0-fer slide from WM3 through 7. Even lost an embarrassing match at WM6 to Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire, which I’m guessing would be Michigan’s equivalent of losing in the Alamo Bowl to Callahan’s Nebraska Cornhuskers. Can’t beat Hulk Hogan; can’t beat Ohio State.
Prediction: This one drives us nuts. Randy Savage loses a retirement match in embarrassing fashion against the Ultimate Warrior at WM7, which may be the story of Michigan’s 2007 campaign. The very next f’n year, he wins the world heavyweight title. Seriously, next Wrestlemania he wins the whole damn thing. So Michigan is your new 2008 National Champion? I’ll bite my tongue. Just pray this doesn’t become the story for Michigan next year, though this last visual will make more sense as you scroll down.
Pro Wrestler: Mankind
Why: Demented at its very core, and likely to shove things down your throat, be it a healthy dose of Plaxico Burress, Jonal Saint-Dic, or a casted set of middle/ring fingers, or even a sock. Notwithstanding its propensity for double scoops of violence, it’s liable to turn most of that to self-abuse, be it pulling ones hair out or slapping ones self in the face. Also given to a Big Brother Syndrome, be it leeching off The Rock’s fame or the University of Michigan’s success.
Prediction: Will eventually flounder as it runs out of ideas in what to do with itself. This takes on the form of getting into a mid-level feud with Al Snow that no one is interested in. So who is CFB’s equivalent of Al Snow… … Pitt? Either way, all the thumbtacks and self-abuse can’t make us watch or be interested.
(And a note on the image: John L Smith will ALWAYS be our coach. John L Smith = Ratings.)
University of Minnesota
Pro Wrestler: Brooklyn Brawler
Why: Does this need much of an explanation? This of course is susceptible to change with a new regime in town, but Minnesota has been the consummate jobber of the Big Ten for the longest time, and the most recent 1-11 campaign in 2007 is just the most recent example of that. Minnesota has won just 2 Big Ten titles since World War II, has been to only one Rose Bowl, and has only one coach with a record above .500 since 1970, and curiously enough, it was the one it was most eager to fire (Glen Mason). It’s a shame, too, since Minnesota is every bit as much of a staple in the Big Ten as the Brawler is in pro wrestling, but it’s role in the scheme of things has been the same year in and year out.
Prediction: Will score a pinfall victory over Triple H, whoever that might be (hopefully not Ohio State). Might reinvent itself as a baseball player gimmick.
Pro Wrestler: The Genius
Why: Let’s face it. Northwestern/The Genius is sweet. In our opinion, it makes anything around it immediately more interesting. Definitely the smarts of the Big Ten operation here, like The Genius was the smarts of any wrestler he managed. We’re big fans and we wish it well, and yet no matter how interesting we find him, The Genius always ends up flat on his back having his hair forcibly cut by Brutus Beefcake. Sadly, this is more or less the tale of Northwestern, even though Northwestern is not the conference doormat that you would think it is, and up until recently held a better conference record than Illinois. God we would love Northwestern to play a January bowl game every bit as much as The Genius should’ve managed an Intercontinental Champion. We’ll keep wishing, though.
Prediction: It’s too smart to continually get jobbed. Probably will bow out and focus more on writing.
THE Ohio State University
Pro Wrestler: Ric Flair
Why: To be the man, WOOOOOOOO, you gotta beat the man, and Ohio State has definitely been the man for 3 years running. And you might have your preconceived notions of The Vest as dull as dishwater, but anyone else with half the imagination that we have could tell you Jim Tressel is a kiss-stealin’, wheelin’-dealin’, jet-flyin’, limousine-ridin’ son of a gun. And God knows that drives other fans around the Big Ten nuts. And you know, that’s just too damn bad. Because whether you like it, or you don’t like it, LEARN TO LOVE IT because it’s the best thing going today. WOOOOOO. And let’s be honest here, there’s tons of women in the great state of Ohio that would love to ride Space Mountain.
Prediction: Frustrated by recent shortcomings at national title glory, expect Ohio State to make up its own title, start wearing it around the Big Ten and proclaiming itself as the REAL National Champion. We expect Myles Brand will then promptly order TV cameras to censor such a title and make TV announcers qualify Ohio State as the SELF-PROCLAIMED National Champion. Sigh…
Pro Wrestler: Ric Flair, 15 years later
Why: Groan. That’s all we can do as we watch. Groan. Like Tressel now, there’s no doubt in our minds that JoePa was a kiss-stealin’, wheelin’-delain’, jet-flyin’, limousine-ridin’ son of a gun, but now… now it just hurts to watch what was otherwise one of our favourites to watch several years ago. It’s the same routines that it was running 15 years ago, but now it’s just, well, sad. 15 years ago it was Kerry Collins actively beating the hell out of Ohio State, now it’s a Zack Mills or Anthony Morrelli actively getting beaten silly. It’s lost it’s charm, just like Ric Flair’s chops and woos from the crowd. Watching the likes of Anthony Morrelli quarterback Penn State hurts us deep down inside, just like watching Ric Flair’s top turnbuckle routine. You know once he goes up, he’s going to get caught and come crashing down. Just like Zack Mills.
Prediction: JOE PATERNO WILL NEVER DIE. Seriously, he’s going to outlive us, and we’re almost 60 years his junior. Retirement? Bah. Retirement is for whippersnappers like us.
Purdue University
Pro Wrestler: Koko B. Ware
Why: Definitely new and exciting for the first few years. I mean, c’mon, he came to the ring with a bird! and Joe Tiller had his spread pass-happy offense! Woo-boy! Koko kept the kids entertained like Joe Tiller keeps his kids entertained with his licensed image on comic books. And then you eventually realize: Wait… wait a minute, this guy sucks! I’m bored already. You find yourself actually happy that Rick “The Model” Martel made him submit at WM6, just like you find yourself oddly amused when Purdue manages to inherit a schedule without Ohio State or Michigan and end up in a crappy bowl game losing to Maryland. Boooooooooooooring. Next.
Prediction: Bad gimmick. Worse execution. Will disappear. Thank. God.
Pro Wrestler: Earthquake
Why: There is nothing pretty here. Nothing at all. Wisconsin comes flying at you with lumbering speed, will knock you over and then just sit on you. Just ask Arkansas in the 2007 Capital One Bowl, or most anyone else Wisconsin played in 2006. And why? because, well, PJ Hill just plain doesn’t like you. Earthquake once squashed Jake Roberts’ snake like Wisconsin will probably crush whatever animal you are, like a Gopher, Owl, Falcon, Razorback or Wildcat. Deal with it.
Prediction: There’s also some main event material here. Be it headlining Summerslam 1990 against Hulk Hogan or finishing just second in the 2006 season, Wisky could work its way into the big stage. Will it emerge as champion? Probably not. Might actually try its hand at sumo wrestling before too long.
With so many delicious characters to choose from, still,Virgil doesn’t make the cut.
The Naycha Boy………Wooooooooooooo