Lou Holtz Advisory System
We admit, we’re kind of in a lull here at OHD. Normally, Gabby and I are equipped to handle basketball — perhaps moreso than college football — but the lack of fanfare around this season, combined with the arrival of the Big Ten Network that we don’t get here, means there’s just not enough games on the moving pictures box for us to observe. We had thoughts on the Tennessee game just 7 days ago, but we (I) just vented them on 11W rather than waste our time with a post here. Moreover, we’re still kind of stuck with college football on the mind, could it be the way it ended, the fact that an SEC team was again the villain, or that, perhaps, we found a new crush from the 2007 season in Lou Holtz.
Lou Holtz is a divisive figure in many circles in the college football blogosphere, see Awful Announcing for an example. Yes, he is a Notre Dame homer — and irrationally so. Yes, he lisps terribly and doesn’t offer much in the way of real insight. But let’s be real here with respect to the second point: does anyone on ESPN offer real insight in their commentary? The best we can say is with regards to Todd Blackledge (of Todd’s Taste of the Town fame), who we’ve really liked during in-game color commentary. But unlike the bland and uninformative commentary from much of ESPN’s color commentary crew, and unlike the unnecessarily brazen and self-aggrandizing nature of an ultimately ignorant windbag like Mark May, Lou Holtz is at least having fun… even if that means throwing modesty and tact to the wayside. He, like Lee Corso on the Gameday crew, is cashing in on a lifetime of service to college football and having fun with their jobs. And it’s good that they do it, since I watch the television set to be entertained, not to be pissed off by someone like May. I go to work to get pissed off (and earn some cash-money); I watch TV to relax and be entertained. If I feel I need information, I’ll go look up something on a Buckeye blog or another multi-purpose blog or blog for the team the Bucks are facing. Certainly, Lou Holtz’s pep talks and color commentary during his Friday games1 have given us something to look forward to watching during the college football season.
But his antics — and it’s best described as such — have also given need for measurement. We here at OHD are obsessed with measurement, and watching Lou Holtz for the 2007 season has made it clear to us that no known index or measurement exists that could adequately quantify how Lou Holtz has combined senility and wildchild compulsive behaviour into his own brand of made-for-TV dementia. After reviewing every piece of Lou Holtz (pep talks, color commentary, studio commentary) we could find from the 2007 season, we put together a 5 part ordinal scale — with the use of actual quotes from Lou Holtz during the 2007 season and predicated on the Homeland Security Advisory System — in our own preparation for the 2008 season. The Lou Holtz Advisory System is presented and discussed below:
Again, as a general matter, we remind our readers reader that this scale is based off of actual quotes from Lou Holtz from the 2007 season, which we select on since the 2007 season marked the introduction of the OHD-favourite Lou Holtz pep talk. Granted, the 2007 season may not be an adequate sample for predicting for future Lou Holtz antics, but we proceed anyways at least hoping that it does. The scale, again, is a 5 part ordinal scale predicated off of the well-known terror advisory system. As such, there is no precise, interval level cut-off available from one measurement to the next, instead, such measurements can only be inferred chromatically. That said, we continue with our measurements.
The base Lou Holtz antic is a Green Advisory, where Lou Holtz resorts to an essentially antiquarian expression with no discernible relevance for contemporary society. This is best exemplified in his pep talk for Notre Dame, where he hypothetically advises the Notre Dame players “You wanna be happy for a day, eat a steak. You wanna be happy for three days, buy a car.” The curious listener is then left wondering if Lou Holtz is still thinking that he’s an assistant coach for Woody Hayes back at Ohio State in the 1960s. The listener is not alarmed, but curious. OHD recommends that college football fans react to a Green Advisory by paying guarded attention to further Lou Holtz developments.
The Blue Advisory is the second increment in our system. Herein, Lou Holtz builds off what is essentially an antiquarian expression and adds what seems to be a twist to it that could be best described as “folksy”. This was the case in his pep talk for the South Florida Bulls before the WVU game, where the bumblebee quote comes from. In this instance, Lou Holtz — national champion college football coach and amateur entomologist — reminds his hypothetical USF players that their predicament is similar to the bumblebee. Succinctly put, Holtz notes that by all aeronautic principles, the bumblebee can’t fly, but because it is illiterate (and notice the explicit causality in the statement), it flies all over. The listener is becoming alarmed, but ultimately still in a relaxed, curious state. OHD recommends that college football fans react to a Blue Advisory similar to the last advisory: by paying guarded attention to further Lou Holtz developments.
The Yellow Advisory marks the first significant jump in Lou Holtz’s insanity. Just as the color change from blue to yellow is the most chromatically significant change in the terror advisory scale, so is the change from a Blue Advisory to a Yellow Advisory the most significant. In one moment, Lou Holtz is talking about bumblebees and flying, and then BOOM, he’s talking about his ding-dong. This was the case for the Pitt-Navy game, where Lou Holtz, after a play that resulted in a Navy interception, thought he’d remind Rece Davis (who suffers from a bad case of the giggles) that his name means “hard wood”. The listener is now alarmed that a septuagenarian is talking about his John Thomas on family programming, and is now really curious. OHD recommends fans react to a Yellow Advisory by holding on to the edge of their seat, because this could get interesting.
The Orange Advisory represents an observable, but not quite significant jump, in Lou Holtz revealed behaviour. Just as the chromatic change from yellow to orange is not as stark as blue to yellow, so the change from a Yellow Advisory to Orange Advisory is not as substantively significant. That said, where in the prior measurement Lou Holtz was talking about his wing-wang, now Lou Holtz is talking about incest. Indeed, such an incremental change from the past measurement comes from the fact that this particular Lou Holtz quote came from the same Pitt-Navy game and his views on ties and overtime. The listener is now very alarmed, and perhaps mortified. The thought of Lou Holtz kissing the listener’s brother has probably made them want to make a dash for the toilet or the nearest garbage receptacle. OHD recommends that fans react to an Orange Advisory by getting ready to flee, because it’s going to get worse.
The Red Advisory is the most wild and out of control stage Lou Holtz can reach in his behaviour. This was reached on one — and by the grace of God, only one — occasion. Herein, when Rece Davis attempted to defuse a situation in Lou’s analysis of the Clemson-Auburn Peach Bowl game by suggesting to cut Mark May’s microphone, Lou Holtz interjected that maybe he should cut Mark May’s throat2. Lou has transcended phallic jokes and incest overtones and is ready for widespread, systemic violence. The listener is now horrified and in fear of his or her life. OHD recommends that college football fans react to a Red Advisory by running for the hills, because when Lou gets to this stage, there’s only one end-game: rampage. Run. like. hell. We’ll call the National Guard that a septuagenarian college football coach is on a killing spree.
Where do the Lou Holtz “Pep Talks” fit into this?
it’s part of the sample. I looked at all Lou Holtz-involved anything from the 2007 season (though curiously did forget the Knicks pep talk, as you reminded me) to create this scale. It affords me some kind of basis for grading Lou Holtz’s insanity for 2008.
Well, that, and Fake Lou on 1460 The Fan.
I like the enthusiasm the old guys bring. I will point out, that in response to “Hard Wood” Holtz, we have another old guy continuously stroking his cedar-shafted #2 Ticonderoga woody on TV. And it’s not even sharpened! ‘Sup wit dat? Must come with age, eh?